DB’s Bacterial Theory of Romantic Attraction
I am doing this post early, because Lent actually starts
before St Valentine’s Day this year, so go out there and party, before it is
too late!
In case you wonder about the illustrations, I find it
difficult to envisage even a single Bacterium, never mind a myriad of bacteria
all interacting with each other while hanging out at DB Central. Therefore I was quite pleased when I looked
at my St Valentine’s Day scarf (‘Donner la Main’) and realised that all the
little people depicted on it holding hands are a perfect illustration of what
goes on in my body (and probably yours, too) when in the grip of romantic
passion.
A few years ago scientists began to look more closely at the
bacteria that co-habit in our bodies. Most
of the cells in our bodies are not our own, they are bacterial. We each have around 100 trillion bacteria in
our bodies, weighing around 2kg (half of them live in our guts). A (human) body is a highly complex
conglomerate of cells, bacteria, fungi and viruses, and every person has a
different mix. Because our bodies are
made of only one trillion human cells, we are outnumbered by the
aliens, and most of the genes in our bodies are from bacteria.
Most bacteria are benign, sharing our food but
doing no harm – on the contrary, many protect us from dangerous infections by
interacting with our immune systems.
Research into the human genome provided some bits of intriguing information
- microbes in the gut can affect the body's responses to disease by influencing
things such as the pH levels in the gut and the immune response. More recent research suggests that some bacteria
are able to influence brain development of mammals, and the mood and behaviours
of adults (see link below for details, if you are interested).
So what does all
this have to do with Romantic Love?
Imagine the following scenario.
Person meets Other (I am trying to be all inclusive and politically
correct here!), does the courtship spiel, and finally manages to kiss
Other. Now there are three possible
outcomes:
(a) Person &
Other both think ‘Yeech!’ almost immediately and jump apart, resolving never to
kiss again. End of romance.
(b) Person &
Other kiss for a few seconds, think ‘OK’ or ‘I could get used to this’ or some
such mildly positive thought, and ceteris paribus (all other things being equal)
they may meet again and occasionally even kiss.
(c) Person &
Other never stop kissing until they get surgically separated or someone bumps
into them or steals their wallet or needs to sit on their bench and pushes them
off. In this latter case they just move
on to another bench. This is Romantic
Love, and it’s all down to bacteria.
Because consider
what actualy happens when you kiss someone.
Basically kissing forces two sets of bacteria into the closest possible
physical proximity. Kissing isn’t the
only activity which does this, but kissing usually comes first. Also, it tends to be less frenzied than other
such activities, and therefore everyone concerned has more leasure to pay
attention to fine details and niceties (smell, taste, texture, pH balance,
chemical compounds, salival viscosity, etc etc). Going back to our three examples,
In (a) 200 trillion bacteria (Person’s and Other’s)
recoil in horror at the disgusting microbes that inhabit the other’s mouth.
In (b) 200 trillion bacteria feel kind of neutral,
or some like the other’s microbes and others don’t, but basically bacterially
speaking the other’s microorganisms aren’t a deal breaker.
In (c) 200 trillion bacteria are completely and
utterly smitten and overwhelmed by desire.
Imagine 200 trillion bacteria all holding hands and refusing to let
go! Every single one of them has been
waiting for this moment all their little lives, and finally it has arrived and
they will not be gainsaid. If you want
to separate Person & Other you are going to have to separate those 200
trillion bacteria as well, and by God they hold on tightly!
If you
experienced (c) with an Other who shares your interests, has a similar
disposition, is pleasant to live with, and generally speaking a decent
honorable human being, you are lucky beyond belief, because you have found
someone who suits both yourself and the teeming trillions that share your
space. You managed to find your perfect
match, the sort which all fairytales go on about, and will live happily ever
after (ceteris paribus, obviously).
Unfortunately
this is often not the case, which leads me on to the Tragedy of Romantic
Love. Because sadly for the 200 trillion
bacteria, their desires and those of their human hosts don’t always
coincide. Just because two people are
totally bacterially compatable doesn’t mean that they will get on in every
other way. Only too often our two
lovebirds will fight, argue, and finally break up, with scant regard for the
200 trillion bacteria whose little hearts (I know they don’t really have
hearts, but you know what I mean) are irrevocably broken. While the two humans involved go their
separate ways, enjoying their new found freedom, 200 trillion bacteria mourn
and grieve and suffer.
Unfortunately for
the humans, they rarely do this quietly.
Bacteria have innumerable imaginative ways of causing their human hosts
pain and anguish, and if you cheat them of their life’s happiness they will
make it their business to make you feel miserable.
A happy contented bacterium is the nicest creature imaginable, and will
do everything in its power to ensure you have a happy healthy joyful and long
life. But if it’s pissed off (excuse the
profanity but it really is an accurate discription of a disgruntled angry
bacterium) it will ruin all life’s pleasures for you. You will have an upset digestive system from
any piffling thing, catch any disease going (especially colds), develop a
myriad of allergies, feel depressed for years on end, and become quarrelsome
and morose. Your muscles grow stiffer
and your bones ache, and you feel ancient as the hills and think, I must be getting
old.
Occasionally you
may remember how blissfully happy you once were, long ago, in those glorious
days when your body knew no pain and your heart was full of joy, while you were
with that irritating/awful/aggravating (etc etc – fill in the blanks) Other who
you imagined yourself to be in love with but luckily managed to escape from after
a few horrible months - but you will never make the connection between being
with that unsuitable Other and your happiness, because, after all, Other was
awful! But to your little bacterial buddies Other was perfect, and what you thought was Your happyness was actually Their happyness! You just got a free ride, so to speak, carried along by the bliss of the teeming trillions.
What is to be
done? Surely something must be done, to
help those poor tragic romantically disappointed creatures who suffer so much
on this earth - I mean those 200 trillion bacteria, obviously!
I think we've
just got to be less selfish. I mean, just
because Other supports the wrong foorball club, refuses to take three helpings
of our painstakingly home-made dessert, is an arrogant fascist, fails to
appreciate our amazing ability to juggle three mutually exclusive principles (etc
etc - fill in the blanks), surely that is
nothing compared to the happiness of 200 trillion bacteria who are, after all,
part and parcel of our very own selves?
We have got to be less selfish, that’s all there is to it!
Happy St
Valentine’s Day!!!!
http://www.economist.com/node/21528214
