This morning I woke up to the news on the radio of Robin Williams' death by suspected suicide. This sort of news never fails to sadden me - I have been affected by suicides myself.
I remember recently a friend of mine lost her husband, too, to suicide brought on by depression. As though losing the love of her life wasn't bad enough, she also suffered because she blamed herself for not having done enough to prevent it. This is a common response by suicide survivors, and very understandable. But it is also very very far from the truth.
By the time a person commits suicide they will often have exhausted all internal and external resources. They are literally 'spent', bereft of all strength and unable to carry on. Human beings are'nt vessels one can fill up with strength or hope, no matter how much one loves them - to a large extent they need to do this themselves. And usually, if there is someone in their life who truly cares for them, that person will have already spent years if not decades to make life more bearable for their depressed friend.
Instead of blaming themselves for not having done enough, suicide survivors should comfort themselves with the thought that if it hadn't been for their love and concern and support their loved one probably would have died a lot earlier. They enabled their dead friend to have many happy moments which lightened the darkness of their depression and gave them the strength to carry on, even if only just for a day or an hour at a time.
Suicides often genuinely believe their friends and relatives would be better off if they were dead. Their self esteem can be very low, and so they fail to see how important they are to their loved ones. It is easy to only see one's own bad sides and mistakes, and to only see the good sides of others, especially those one loves. Many of us are guilty of that sort of thinking; if we do someone a favour we immediately forget about it, but when someone does us a good turn we remember it forever - no wonder we get an incorrect view of our relative worth!
It is unfair to accuse suicides of being selfish and not caring about the friends and family they leave behind. They are often utterly exhausted, drained by sadness and hopelessness. They see how their depression affects the ones they love, and think that by removing themselves from life they free their loved ones from the burden they feel they have become. But of course, things aren't that simple; suicide survivors may be delivered from the burden of caring for their dead friend, but often they now carry the burden of guilt and shame of having failed to save the suicide.
So what should one do after losing a loved one to depression and suicide? Remember them with kindness and compassion, and treasure in your heart the time you were able to spent together. Give yourself full credit for having done so much to help them while they were alive, and don't be angry with them for not having been as strong as you might have wished. And above all, enjoy your life as best you can - for if you live with guilt and sadness, you are throwing the gift the suicide tried to give you by taking their own life back in their face.
Honour them by having a good life, and honour life by being happy!
