Over the last three years I have become extremely efficient at not learning French. It is not an easy skill to acquire. I have come by my ignorance honestly, by dint of occasional application, frequent procrastination, and, most importantly, consistently chosing the wrong study methods. I have decided to outline the most important of these, so that they may prove of use to others who are similarly determined not to learn French in the most convoluted and counter-intuitive ways imaginable.
When I reached the age of twelve the people in charge of my school decided that my class should be taught French (we had already been doing English for a while). So along with thirty other hopefuls I learned such staples as, C'est la salle de classe, il y a quatre muirs - un, deux, trois, quatre. And I also learned, C'est la Gare du Nord, sil vous plait? Extremely useful, that latter phrase, since that's where my frequent Eurostar journeys take me to. After I had committed these two sentences to memory, the French teacher had a baby and left the school. She was never replaced.
This is an extremely effective way of not learning French. Hire a teacher who throws in the towel at the first opportunity, and then shrug your shoulders in a Gallic sort of way and exclaim, 'Well I did what I could! What do you expect me to do, hire another teacher? They don't grow on trees, you know!' Since no one can argue with that latter point, you have won the argument, and voila, all danger of learning French has retreated.
Of course, I cannot claim credit for this particular method since I did not implement it, but I thought I'd mention it for the benefit of any parents or school governors who happen across this Blog. Needless to say, the method works with other languages as well, and can be adapted to apply to piano lessons, swimming classes, and even dog obedience training.
My course is divided into ten lessons, which I will post on this Blog whenever the fancy strikes me, which is entirely in the spirit of the exercise. It does not matter in which order these lessons are learned, since, if followed properly, all lead to the same result, viz an uncanny ability to not learn French.
Lesson 1 - Introduction (you are reading it!)
Lesson 2 - Talking to Native Speakers
Lesson 3 - Taking French lessons
Lesson 4 - Buying Hermes scarves
Lesson 5 - Watching French movies
Lesson 6 - Listening to French songs
Lesson 7 - Reading an Introduction to French Grammar
Lesson 8 - Buying appliances with French instruction manual
Lesson 9 - Spending time in Paris
Lesson 10 - Reading French books
I trust my reader(s?) will find these lessons helpful and instructive, and learn from my experiences.
