Last Friday I saw the most amazing thing! But first, let me tell you a story related to
me many years ago by a Hopi Indian while I lived in Oregon. He told me a story he had heard from his
grandfather, who heard it from his grandfather, so whether it is true is
anybody’s guess. But I love the story,
and treasured it in my heart ever since I heard it. So here it goes.
A long time ago there was a tribe who experienced a sudden
flood, and had to quickly run to higher ground to save themselves. But there were two people who couldn’t move
quickly, and so they were put into the branches of a tree, to sit until the
flood receded – hopefully the water would not reach them. One of them was blind, and one was lame. The blind one kept asking the lame one how
high the water was. Eventually the lame
man said that the water was no longer rising.
‘It is too high for me to walk safely,’ he told the blind man, ‘but you
are taller than me and you could walk through the water and join our
tribe.’ But the blind man was afraid to
walk in the water because he couldn’t see.
Well, I am sure you have guessed what happened! The blind man took the lame man onto his
shoulders and together they managed the feat neither could do on his own,
namely to walk through the flood waters and join their tribe on higher grounds.
Why I love that story so much I am not sure. Perhaps it is because I have always been very
aware of my own weaknesses, and loved the idea that if only I could find
someone who complemented them I could be as strong as everyone else seemed to
be. I have learned since then that
everyone else is just as weak as I am, only perhaps not as aware of it, and so the
need to accommodate each other’s weaknesses seems even more necessary – what I
used to think was my problem is in fact everyone’s problem!
Anyway, this is what I saw the other day. A couple, both in their eighties, were
passing me on the road. She was in a
wheelchair, and he was blind. She was
giving him very detailed directions, pointing out every tiny obstacle to him,
while not forgetting to give him a running commentary of what she saw – she
described the autumn flowers, the delivery boy from the butchers shop on his
bike, the window displays, and the dog doing unmentionables at the lamppost
nearby. He paid close attention to her
while pushing the wheelchair, avoiding every obstacle, taking every care to ensure
that she didn’t get bumped. And he
clearly appreciated her descriptions, and commented on them. I followed this couple for ten minutes – here
was an embodiment of the story of the lame and the blind Indians who saved
themselves by complementing each others weaknesses!
Most people’s initial reaction when I told them about this
couple was pity – poor things, having to cope with so much adversity in their
old age, was the usual reaction. But I
think pity is completely inappropriate.
Here are two people who, despite their difficulties, are in charge of
their lives and enjoying it as best they can.
Moreover, anyone who observed the tenderness and consideration they
showed each other could not help but envy them.
Would a hired help show such consideration either to the blind man or the
wheelchair-bound woman while shepherding them around? I doubt it.
This old couple is reaping the benefit of a lifetime of treating each
other with love and respect.
In any relationship, especially a romantic one, there will
be times when we have to rely on our partner’s love and respect to overcome
difficulties. When we are tired or
depressed, when we lose a job, when a parent dies, when we have trouble at
work, when we experience midlife crisis, or when life is just too difficult for
whatever reason – during such times the love and support of our partner is
crucial in helping us overcome our pain and get back on our feet.
The young and middle aged can just about cope with such
adversity on their own, but when Old Age reaches out its withered arm to grasp
us tightly, an inconsiderate or cold hearted partner can be very bitter
indeed. It is easy to confuse Love and
Lust when young – according to an expert quoted in the Kamasutra every good
looking man is attracted to every good looking woman and vice versa – but when we are old and
decrepit such deceit is no longer possible.
As we lose our friends and relatives to death one by one, as work no
longer provides distraction and entertainment, as we deteriorate physically and
can no longer get out and about quite so much, the circle of our life becomes
more restricted and centred on our home and the ones we share it with.
Unfair as it seems, in Old Age we reap what we sowed when we
were younger. As we become increasingly
dependent on the good will of others, our kindness and generosity, or selfishness
and arrogance, will come back to reward or haunt us. We all know examples of this. A son takes his old parents into his house
and cares for them without feeling angry and resentful. A wife nurses her husband lovingly for
decades after he becomes infirm. But
also old parents getting abused by the children they mistreated when they were
young. Or the long suffering spouse who
chafed under a dominant partner and takes her revenge after the tyrant has a
stroke and can no longer defend himself.
Of course I do not claim that we all get the rewards we
deserve in life. For example, many
terrible parents managed to raise dutiful children who sacrifice themselves for
them when they are old. Nevertheless,
chances are that you will have a happier old age if you were loving, considerate,
and helpful to others, most especially to your partner.
There is another amazing thing I saw recently, this time in Paris. An old lady was walking across the street
near the Place de la Concorde. She held
herself very upright, and was beautifully dressed and made up. Her white hair was like a cloud around her
face, her hands were immaculately manicured, her Kelly bag was polished to a
high sheen, and her silk scarf perfectly matched her Chanel suit. And she wore six inch killer heels! What is remarkable about that? She walked with a Zimmer frame. Slowly and with great dignity she put one six
inch heeled foot before the other, lifted the frame, moved it a few inches,
took another step – she progressed excruciatingly slowly across this very busy
road. But no one honked their horns or
shouted at her to speed up. Everyone
waited respectfully while this Grande Dame slowly inched herself across the
street. Here was someone who proudly,
even haughtily, insisted on sticking to her lifestyle and routine. She wasn’t going to stay safely tucked up in
an old people’s home, wearing sensible shoes and shapeless cardigans, and eat
gruel while awaiting death!
May all of you either have as loving and supporting a
partner as that woman in the wheelchair and her blind spouse have, or the
strength and dignity of that Parisian lady, when you are old and grey!
